Open Letter to Elise

Dear Elise,

I'm writing to you today to let you know that you have broken a young man's heart. Wherever you were last weekend, you gave "your phone number" to some gullible guy who thought he was getting hooked up. He now knows your evil ways. He knows that you gave him a fake number and that number was mine. The caller ID registered as Shauntra Marley, I'm going to assume that's his mother, so we'll call him "Bob" since he didn't share his true identity with me. I answered the phone ever so politely and the conversation went like this:

me: Hello?
Bob: Hello.
me: Um, Hi?
Bob: Who's this?
me: Well, who are you trying to call?
Bob: Elise.
me: I'm sorry but you have the wrong number.
Bob: Oh, uh, ok.

Well, poor Bob must have thought that I was you giving him the run around because we hung up and he called right back. So this time, I let Chuck answer the phone. He answered the phone the next two times after that as well. Obviously, based on his persistence, you have made an impression on poor Bob. By the last time he called, Chuck said that Bob was pretty upset and sounded very rejected.

Now I know how it is to be a young woman in a bar and guys that you aren't typically interested in approach you and you just need them to GO AWAY. Just please, next time? Give them someone else's phone number. I can't stand the rejection.

Sincerely,
Miss You've-got-the-wrong-number

You ain't nuthin' but a hound dog and your name is Webster.

King Kong Chong

If you didn't know that this was miniature furniture, would you think Chong was a giant cat?

Rare moment caught on film.

Chase is standing still. *gasp* I know, it does happen every so often. I think I may have just told him that his daddy took his blankie with him to work and that it wouldn't be home until later that day. He didn't find that amusing, I guess. The kid has no sense of humor when it comes to that blankie.

Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia

There is a website on the internet that I have found so interesting over the past couple years or so that I feel like posting about it today. It is Wikipedia. It's an online encyclopedia of sorts. It covers just about any topic you can think of from Astrophysics to Zoobilee Zoo. If anyone is ever discussing something that I feel I should know what they are talking about, I do a quick little search on Wikipedia and then have a basic idea to at least hold a light conversation on the topic. It's saved me from embarrassment and social shunning many a times. Just keep in mind that it publicly modifiable. Meaning, if I don't think very highly of Brad Pitt, I can easily go into his article and add that he used to be a monkey cage cleaner at the Central Park Zoo. So what I'm saying is, you probably shouldn't use it as a source for your next homework assignment. However, using it as a source for your blog is perfectly acceptable.

Drama, Trash cans, and Pure Romance

Whoooo-doggy we've had some drama around these parts! After two weeks of closed door meetings, staff members wanting to know what the hell is going on, my paranoia that my job is in jeopardy because really, if someone is having a closed door meeting, it must have something to do me and something awful that I've been caught doing; we finally know what's going on. My office manager (direct supervisor) is quitting. Yes, she is married to one of our doctors and yes, she is going to work for a different non-competing totally out of our field doctor's office and yes, she's been here for like 100 years. So, this is a big deal folks. Big deal! They promoted our nursing supervisor, whom I adore, and she will be starting next week. So on top of all that, more importantly, I've rearranged my office which is wonderful but I can't find anything and my flow is totally off. I've thrown medical charts in the trash can 5 times...since Friday. It's Tuesday. So if you are a patient here and we cannot locate your file, please ask our receptionist to check my trash can.

Also, I had a very exciting weekend. My friend Julie sells sex and we had a party at my house so she could sell it to my friends. Ok, she doesn't really sell sex but the accessories that go along with it. She works for Pure Romance as a side gig from her full time job. You don't even want to know what she does full time**!! Woo-Woo! But really my Saturday evening was full of products that stimulate and smell (and taste) yummy. Not to mention, my sister Mandy brought over her chocolate fountain which was oh so wonderful. Seriously, I'm thinking of hooking a permanent one up in my kitchen so it can run constantly. So Saturday, needless to say, everyone went home happy.

So, things have been exciting on many different levels. Now excuse me while I go double check my trash can. My coworkers are desperately searching for a chart and I have an idea of where it might be.

**Julie works for a doctor's office like I do. Get your mind out of the gutter.

That's no itsy bitsy spider.

So last night I was sound asleep in my comfy bed all snuggled in. I had been in bed for about an hour or so when I happened to open my eye and see a spider the size of a fist descending down towards my head. Presumably to eat me in my sleep. I mean the thing was HUGE! I could see the fur and the beady eyes coming at me. So I screamed, jumped to the other side of the bed onto my sleeping husband, and then it dawned on me to turn on the light. So I did. Not a spider in sight. Now I have my husband worried and we both begin the search. Well really I'm searching and he's kind of looking at me knowing that I'm crazy but there's a slight chance that there actually was a spider so he'd better be nice or it will eat him too. So I'm searching for this fist sized spider that's surely going to eat my family as we sleep. I'm looking under the bed, behind the bed, under the covers...and then...hmmmm. I begin to think, "Yeah, I'm blind as a bat without my contacts or glasses which I was surely not wearing either as I was sleeping. So I uh, most certainly could not have seen that fist sized spider as clearly as I remember seeing it. And you know, I'm really not so sure that fist sized spiders have green glowing eyes and I'm pretty sure they don't drool...yeah...umm...I should probably stop searching now. Note to self, no more singing Itsy Bitsy Spider before bed."

That Voodoo that you do.

This past weekend I went with a group of my friends to Harrah's Casino here in Kansas City. One of my friend's husband had a bunch of comp points so we were able to get a hotel room for the night and dinner for free! (Thank you Scott!) So if you add together a group of 5 ladies, a great dinner, a very cool Vegas style nightclub-Voodoo Lounge, great music (if you get a chance to see The Zeros, you must! Great 80's cover band!), and of course drinking-that equals a pretty damn good time.

Before the night began, I have to admit, getting a great blackmail quality picture of the group was high on the priority list. Sad to say, however, no one got too crazy. Julie didn't flash anyone. Dru didn't make out with every available guy in the bar as we had hoped. Jen didn't pass out. Kristin didn't dance on any tables. *sigh*

So all I have is this one cute picture (NO ONE IS EVEN BLINKING OR MAKING AN ODD FACE)with nothing more to say than, "I love you girls!"

Happy 9th Birthday, my little brown fuzzy angels!

Florence Maines

Lately, my grandmother has been on my mind. I'm not sure why so much recently. I guess I just miss her. My grandmother, Florence Maines, was an extraordinary woman. She taught me so much in life and I just have this feeling that I never fully appreciated her as much as I should have. She was such a calming force that I believe anyone who met her felt it.

Through her adult life she worked for different charity organizations. I think her kind heart was really what made her so valuable to each place she helped. The last placed she worked was Community Linc . It's an organization here in Kansas City that assits homeless women with families get off the street, find jobs, and become successful members of society. It's a great program and I know she was proud to be a part of it in whatever way she could be.

My grandmother was also a woman of stong faith. She was Catholic, knew what she believed, and never had doubts. Mass was every Sunday and you could always tell it was done out of enjoyment not obligation. I think I heard her say a foul word MAYBE a handful of times. Mostly if it needed said, it was spelled. When speaking of a certain man in our life that believes he isn't able to do anything without his wife present she would say, "He can't take an s-h-i-t, without her." I believe that was the most vulgar thing I ever heard her say.

If I ever had a question about our faith, I knew who to turn to. She knew it all backwards and forwards and was able to answer any question I ever had. After she passed, I had my son baptised at her church and nothing could have made me happier.

One of my favorite stories of her's that she used to tell was the one of few times she and my grandfather went to see a movie in a theater in their later years. It was a really sunny day during the week and they arrived after the movie had already started. When they entered the theater, it was obviously very dark so after coming in from the sunshine so they had a terrible time seeing if there was anywhere to sit. After standing hopelessly for a moment or so not being able to find an empty seat, she heard a man say that there were some seats near him and his wife. My grandparents made their way towards the man's voice. After sitting in the man's lap at first, which for a religious woman in her 70's that was utterly embarressing, they finally found a seat next to the couple. They enjoyed the movie and at the end, she thanked the man as he and his wife stood up to leave. The lights came up and at that time, my grandmother realized that she was still wearing her sunglasses and that's what had made it so difficult to see. Not only that but she looked around the theater and she and my grandfather along with the nice man and his wife had been the only...people...in the theater. To this day, that story still makes me laugh.

It's extremely hard for me to put into words how wonderful my grandmother was without writing an entire novel. I guess the only way to fully understand was to know her. Just know that she was one h-e-l-l of a lady.

Baby furniture and baby penguins, that's all I want.

Really, what is cuter than miniature furniture for children? Not much, in my opinion. Well, maybe baby penguins. But that's it. So for Christmas, Chuck and I were going to buy a toy box for Chase. Which we did. But while at Babies R Us, something else also caught our eye. As we were walking down the aisle, we both spotted it at the same time and cracked up. It was a toddler armchair version of the furniture we currently have in our living room. Needless to say, we bought it. It was more of a gift to ourselves than our son, really since he's only 1 and never. sits. still. ever. So Christmas morning, Chase had 3 big things under the tree; his chair, his toy box, and his trike. Now before you go and say, "Didn't you get him that trike for his birthday in October?". Yes, we did. But we PUT IT TOGETHER for Christmas. That's how things work in our home. You get something big for one holiday and for the next holiday, it gets assembled for you. Asking us to do both for one holiday is really just being greedy. I was completely prepared for the chair to be ignored but lo and behold, he loves it! He'll plop down in it and watch his favorite show, Jack's Big Music Show. It's so nice to actually see him sit still for 20 minutes, in a row. All I wanted out of that chair was a funny (but coordinating) piece of furniture for our living room but it's given me so much more. It's given me time to use the restroom. And really, what more could I ask for? Oh yeah, maybe a baby penguin.

It was a night full of obscenities.

So my phone rang last night. I answered it and this is the conversation that followed:

me: Hello?
sister Katie: What are you doing?
me: Nothing, what are you doing?
Katie: Nothing, I'm pregnant.
me HOLY SHIT!
Katie:yep
me: HOLY SHIT!
Katie: yep
me: HOLY SHIT!

You can see where I'm going with this. So, YAY!!!! CONGRATULATIONS KATIE AND GARY! Hopefully your child will be less evil than the two of you.

The photo that was previously displayed here has been removed to make room for new pictures.

Those poncupines can be tricky.

At my mother's house, whenever we have a get together we usually end up playing games by the end of the night. Sometimes it's cards and sometimes it's board games but we usually play at least one or the other. Christmas Eve night, my sisters and I, our significant others, and our kids all went over to our mother's house. We pigged out, open gifts (hellooo beautiful brown coat from the Gap. I love you.), and then decided to play Cranium. We usually play guys against girls but this year we had an uneven number so we decided to give up one of our team members to be nice and Christmaslike. Never again. Due to my skill in spelling forwards and backwards, my mom's humming ability, and my sister Katie's skill in clay sculpting, we usually skunk the other team without a problem. Well, I was the weak link this year. Not only did I misspell (backwards) "likelihood" but I also missed "porcupine". My rep as an excellent backwards speller has been ruined. I'm no longer allowed to spell. So needless to say, we lost. *sigh* It's embarrassing really. What's even more embarrassing is that we lost to our husbands who could correctly identify "I feel pretty" as my sister Mandy hummed it. It's a sad sad world.



Addendum: My review of our Christmas holiday is to follow shortly. I really wanted to illustrate certain points with pictures and alas, I left my beloved camera at my mother's house...where someone (who has yet to fess up but my brother in law seemed very amused by the whole incident so I believe he knows) dipped it's strap in wax. So my camera sits at my mother's house feeling shunned because of it's green evergreen scented strap. Don't worry my lovely camera, I will come to get you soon.

Blue Steel

Here is my son and his infamous "Blue Steel". Watch out ladies, he's after your toddler daughters.

You better watch out, you better not cry...

So, it's that time of year. The time of year where the snow falls, it's cold, the holidays come, and we spend our extra time off driving from party to party trying to squeeze in each side of our family (which just happens to be 4 sides). First of all let me make one thing clear, I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I'm just merely trying to make you understand what my life is like this time of year, that is all. I *heart* my family thoroughly and would not want it any other way.

This Christmas we have a total of 9 Christmas parties to attend and out of those 9, we will definitely be at 8. Party number 9 is still in negotiations but we just have to draw the line somewhere. Chuck and I have both of our work Christmas parties, my dad's extended side of the family, my mom's extended side of the family, my stepmother's side of the family, my inlaws side of the family and not to mention the immediate side of my dad's family and the immediate side of my mother's family. This equals a lot of baking and present wrapping and let me just say, I'm exhausted. Like seriously, last night I was arguing with my husband (well, I was arguing, he was just kind of egging me on) about the code for the TV that you have to have in order to program our remote. Um, really, is that something you should be arguing about at 11:00 at night when you have to get up at 5:00? No, it is not.

So obviously my side of the family is very large. I have 5 sisters and stepbrothers, a mom, a dad and stepmother, numerous aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents still living. My husband's side is very small and really, it's the sole reason I married him. Well that and he likes white meat on the turkey. Ok, off the track for just a moment. I like dark meat and I have a theory. You must always marry someone who likes the opposite color of turkey meat as you. That way, the whole turkey is enjoyed and there is no fighting.

Anyway, my side of the family's parties are chaos. They are loud, hectic, and very warm. We've already attended 2 of our family parties (my extended family on both my mother and father's sides) and they were fun as always but in all honesty, there was a sense of loss at each of them.

On my mother's side, we lost both my grandmother and grandfather last year. We saw it coming with my grandfather but it was very unexpected with my grandmother. I simply adored my grandmother, as did many people. She was warm and caring and so giving. My world is just not the same without her. This is the first year that I truly feel her loss.

On my father's side, my grandmother has Alzheimer's and is in failing health. It's very difficult to communicate and each time we see her, it is heartbreaking. My grandfather is in great health but the stress he carries is obvious. I watch him in awe as he goes on day to day taking care of someone that I know he loves deeply but cannot return his love outwardly and it kills me. This year they did not attend our party due to the weather and my grandmother's health. It was hard because I know the end is near.

I suppose all families go through a cycle when older ones leave us for a better place and new young ones join us in this world. It's just so hard to watch families make these transitions. Our old habits make way for new traditions and I'm somewhat okay with that. I guess as long as the chaos continues, I think it will always feel like home.

Hi. My name is Tiffany and I am a sellout.

Ok, yeah, remember how I said that I was quitting my job and all that? Well, um, I sort of changed my mind. Let's just say that they made me an offer that I couldn't refuse. Most of me is terribly disappointed about not getting to spend every day with my son. However a small part of me is happy that I'll still be able to buy new shoes. In all honesty though, my new situation will allow us to get rid of a lot of debt and hopefully move into a shiny new home within the next year or so. So after much consideration, Chuck and I decided that I should stay and work on our financials and then reevaluate after a year or so. My bosslady did let me go to ten 4 hour days a week so that's at least a bit of compromise. I guess if putting up with angry patients moves us closer to where we need to be, I'll do what I have to do.

Random thoughts for Monday December 20th, 2005

So I should probably post something about Christmas since it's in like 6 days or whatever but due to Christmas overload, I'm going to post about random things that I've been thinking about today.

First of all, I must say that I have 2 songs stuck in my head today and neither is pleasant or something that I can sing out loud to relieve my frustration. The first is from an SNL skit from this past weekend. "The Chronic (WHAT?) cles of Narnia". It was a funny skit but unfortunately not something I need playing through my head all day. You may watch it and feel my pain here . The second is a song that is played by my son's new firetruck (thank you Aunt Lori and Uncle Russ) very loudly every time my son pushes the button, "Hurry, hurry drive the firetruck, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding". Soon, this thing will be silenced or destroyed.

I have a 30 minute drive to work each morning and often times on that drive I ponder some very deep and important issues. This morning my topic was "commercials". I've decided on my top 4 favorites from 2 different companies that are currently running and will share them with you now in no particular order.

1. The Pillsbury Doughboy cookie commercials. There are 2 different ones that make me laugh out loud equally as much. ( Sidenote: As further proof that I am successful in my quest to make my son a tiny version of myself, he laughs at these as well. Although I do not know why. Does he grasp the concept of heartcrushing cuteness? I guess so.) The first one is for the Pillsbury cookie with the Hershey's kisses in them, which you may watch here, with the added bonus of bloopers. Mr. Doughboy, oh so lovingly blows kisses to me throughout this commercial and I blow them back...and then laugh my ass off. The other commercial is for, well, cookies I assume. It's more of a sexy commercial where Barry White sings sexily in the background and Mr. Doughboy dances seductively. Oh, Mr. Doughboy, you are a little tart.

2. Nextel- they also have 2 out right now that are just hysterical. The first one is the one where there are 3 guys in an office dancing seductively to Salt N Pepa's "Push It". I guess dancing seductively makes me laugh. Anyway, if you haven't seen this commercial there is no description to explain it, you just have to watch it. The other Nextel commercial is where 2 guys working in a nuclear power plant control room are discussing BLT sandwiches. One of them thinks bread should be a part of the initials, the other disagrees. Meanwhile the power plant is going through some kind of meltdown but the discussion continues. It's so damn funny.

So there you have it. I should be stressing out about the handful of Christmas presents that I have yet to buy but really, I'd rather be daydreaming about cookies and BLTs.

What I did yesterday.

Let's see, yesterday I went to work, ate some meals, played with my son and...oh yeah, I quit my job. *stretches arms and smiles big* Ahhhhhh, that feels so good. I've decided to stick it out here until January 27th for numerous reasons but mainly so we can get someone decent hired and trained before I leave. Now, before you say it, I know. I can't be replaced. But well...we have to try. *snicker* It all went well, considering my boss is known to go off the deep end at times. There have been a couple rounds of negotiations but nothing that made any progress.

So what have I decided to do, you ask? Well, thank you for asking, I'm going to work from home (my dad's home) and run a daycare with my stepmother. So, I'll be able to spend all day with my son and still bring in some money to pay our TiVo bill (you should know, it's a DVR from our cable company but I will stil call it TiVo, even though it isn't actually TiVo).

So, yay me! I have lots of playdoh, Hot Wheels, and Jack's Big Music Show in my future. Goodbye stuffy office, goodbye overworked coworkers, and goodbye all you angry patients that want to yell about your medical bill because you think healthcare should be free. I'm off to play with my son.

Disclaimer: You must be a fan of Jack's Big Music Show to fully appreciate the humor.

Me: Oooo, another thing we can use the TiVo for is recording Jack's Big Music Show to keep on hand for Chase. Then we can watch Mel's Super Swell Dance Party over and over and over again.

Chuck: Yipeee.

Thanksgiving. It's a time for sharing and caring and being with your family but most importantly it's the time of year where I'm required to make something. More specifically, something that tastes good. That's not burnt. That resembles real food. So each year, there is always some kind of drama that comes along with this task. This year, luckily, it didn't involve fire of any kind BUT it did involve tears.

So this year my mother actually told me what to bring. I was given two assignments, one being the green bean casserole and one being the layered salad. Green bean casserole? No problem. Made it before. No problem. Layered salad? Eeee, that's a little questionable. So my mom hands me the recipe the weekend before our get together, I write down all the directions (INCLUDING the directions on how to hard boil an egg-I'll get to that in a minute) and I'm on my way.

Well, did I mention that we are remodeling our living room? Oh, well, we are. And it's been a huuuge PITA. It went from painting the walls to texturizing the walls, painting the walls, sanding the trim and windows, painting the trim and windows, replacing hardware, hanging moulding, replacing outlets, buying new furniture, etc. So that has been our life lately. We've been eating and drinking living room.

Needless to say, I didn't have time to start this layered salad until midnight the night before our dinner. Which really is about the time I start cooking no matter what we have going on. So I get out the recipe and I'm moving along just fine when I get to the part about the hard boiled eggs. Let me back up. I've never liked hard boiled eggs up until recently thus never having a reason to make them until midnight the night before Thanksgiving dinner. So, of course, I cannot find the directions anywhere. I decide to wing it. Really it wasn't all that complicated. Everything went just fine until it was time to take them out of the water.

Here is my conversation with myself because by this time it was 1 o'clock in the morning, I was exhausted and slowly becoming delirious.

me: Takes egg #1 out of water with tongs.
me: Oh shit.
me: They are still hard.
me: WTF did I do wrong?
me: *stares at eggs*
me: *desperately searches for directions again* *finds them*
me: I did everything right! So...WTF?!
me: I sure wish my GD husband wasn't in the GD shower!!
me: *sigh* Should I try again with new eggs?
me: *stares at eggs for 5 minutes*
me: *cries a little because poor me, I'm an idiot who can't hard boil an egg*
me: *sniff* I guess I'll just bust into this stupid thing and see what the hell I did wrong.
me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You have to PEEL THEM! Why in the hell didn't she write that on the directions????
me: *cries because I'm an even bigger idiot than previously thought*

So really this is just further evidence that I should not be allowed in the kitchen nor should be required to bring food to family gatherings because you might just end up with eggshell in your salad.